. . . in as many words as possible is something that infuriates HERSCHELL GORDON LEWIS.

If you’re a veteran reader of this publication, you know I’ve been pouting and spouting in its pages for some 20 years – and more recently online.

During that period, I’ve attended numerous conferences (and, in later years, Webinars) in which the calibre of information ranged from superb to useless. And in marketing publications, I – like you – have been subjected to truisms masquerading as revelations.

Invariably, the transmitter of useless information was an individual whose intention has been to demonstrate ‘How clever I am’ rather than ‘Here’s what you should do’. Each of these negative experiences reminds me of the old (and sorely missed) Montreux Symposium, where the great Walter Schmid would analyse every presentation in advance . . . and reject those he felt were of more use to the speaker than to the attendees.

If you wrote this, apologise

One reason I have such admiration for the editor of this publication is that she edits in the Walter Schmid tradition. One seldom if ever sees ‘blah’ columns here.

What brought this comparison leaping into the forefront of what’s left of my brain is a column in another publication . . . The supposed informational intention: five rules to boost direct mail response rates, in this brutal era that has made the professional laying-on of hands a mandatory move to prevent total failure.

Now, get this. These are the five rules, slightly condensed:

1. Get a list broker.
2. Test multiple lists.
3. Hook the reader.
4. Focus on offer, not brand.
5. Show how your product is better than the competition.

I’ll offer a parallel. Here are five rules for telemarketing:

1. Use a telephone.
2. Call someone who also has  a telephone.
3. Explain why you are calling.
4. Take the order.
5. Ship the merchandise.

See the parallel?

Anyone can claim the mantle of ‘guru’ by stating the obvious. That such blather appears in print is a reflection of creative insufficiency and editorial sloppiness.

(One out of five isn’t bad: The columnist’s fourth point – ‘Focus on offer, not brand’ – has seeds of validity, if explained.)

Nothing to say . . . in many words

One of the glories of direct response is that we have ammunition for scorekeeping. Have you tested ‘maybe’ versus ‘perhaps’? ‘Immediately’ versus ‘right now’? ‘Ends’ versus ‘expires’? ‘3’ versus ‘three’? ‘Can you…’ versus ‘Will you…’?

Those who swim (and may drown) in their pools of sophistication pay little attention to these bits and pieces. But we who toil in the creative dungeons have witnessed enough examples of response increase or decrease based on minor word changes to be unsurprised by another example.

Which brings greater response, a long letter or a short letter?

Which brings greater response, dynamic envelope copy or no envelope copy?

Which brings greater response, an email subject line that begins with the recipient’s name or an email subject line that ends with the subject’s name?

Which brings greater response, ‘next day’ or ‘24 hours’?

The answer to each of these: Yes.

Individual circumstances dictate individual results. And those within our ranks whose arrogance trumps the reality of ongoing testing shouldn’t publicly be reciting truisms, as though they were the result of investigation or deliberate testing.

So it goes.

A benefit of exposure to revelations we’ve long since recognised is a pleasant massage for our own egos,   isn’t it?

Herschell Gordon Lewis is the principal of Lewis Enterprises, Pompano Beach, Florida, through which he is available as copywriter, consultant and speaker. Mr Lewis’ latest book is his 31st. Phone him: +1 954 782 1750, or visit his website: www.herschellgordonlewis.com