. . . according to chapter 36,407, says Herschell Gordon Lewis.

We assume we’re professional communicators. The very word ‘professional’ implies knowledge beyond that of someone who aspires from outside our little half-world to join us.

So when an email shows up in our daily batch, and the email is headed, ‘22 Quick Tips for Better Email Marketing’, our replacement-assumption is that a source exists outside our own orbit.

When another email ‘expert’ sends us this puzzler, headed ‘DKIM’, we may be impressed as well as nonplused by the very first sentence: “DomainKeys Identified Mail (DKIM) is an email authentication scheme that monitors email senders’ reputations based on their digital signatures, using cryptography.” 

Quick, call the CIA or MI5!

OK, we’ll click on the 22 tips, for a download. Up comes a copy-heavy page with this as key wording: “This new whitepaper provides 22 practical and actionable tips that can be implemented today to help you generate better results. From email strategy to content, testing, creative design, optimisation and regulatory compliance, learn the latest best practices for improving opens, clicks, conversions and customer satisfaction.”

Nah.

But wait, there’s more

Here’s the cellmate of the 22 tips: ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Successful Surveys.’ Same deal. A maddeningly (if we weren’t chuckling by now) slow download and a pitch for truisms such as ‘Survey the right number of people so that you have an effective sample size’ . . . ‘Craft your survey invitation to ensure high response rates’ . . . ‘Order your questions so that customers  feel respected’.

Sigh. 

Back to DKIM. Click: Up comes the most obnoxious intruder in any email, a ‘Sponsored Introduction’ that takes forever to open and quickly implies that whoever sent this obfuscatory email is unaware of what others regard as sub-standard email technique.

How basic are the basics?

Here’s a professional seminar. One of the sessions covers a hot topic, social media. 

How would you have pitched this session?

The sponsors of the event chose a plain vanilla approach. The description begins: “Involvement in Social Networks is vital to build and protect your brand name. However, finding the time to invest in the hundreds of social sites can be a daunting and consuming task.” 

Couldn’t you, in two minutes or less and not knowing much about the subject, construct a stronger appeal?

Where are the 22 tips? Ah, Dr Jekyll has a streak of Mr Hyde in his persona. If you want to move this beyond the hype, you have to subscribe and fill out a questionnaire with questions such as monthly email volume, email service provider, agency or whatever.

Well, then, tit for tat. I propose that whenever any of us gets an email that lines us up against the wall and then fires at us with limp spaghetti, we reply in kind, with an equally annoying message. 

Here’s one sample:

“Thank you for your communication. Unfortunately, my wombat ate it, so I shall be unable to attend the funeral.”

Herschell Gordon Lewis is the principal of Lewis Enterprises, Pompano Beach, Florida, through which he is available as copywriter, consultant and speaker. Mr Lewis’ latest book is his 32nd. Phone him: +1 954 782 1750, or visit his website: www.herschellgordonlewis.com